Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm International Bitches!!!! (aka: I LOVE SPAM!)

I'm new to this blogging thing-and not ashamed to admit it. What I am ashamed to admit, is that I'm a total f'ing MORON!
If you are a blogger, you may already know that your blog hosting site offers you the opportunity to check your "stats". Meaning: you can see if people other than you and your daughter's stuffed animals & your "loyal to a fault" boyfriend are actually reading what you write. I have international readers, y'all!

Hellooooo Denmark! :)

*Now please do not take this opportunity to let me know that these "readers" are probably search engines randomly accessing my site for some spam inspired purpose or by accident. I would gladly take some spam just be reminded that I'm not alone in the blogosphere.

I know I'm not as cool as Jenny or Aunt Becky but I'm an average thank you for taking some time out of your busy day, Denmark, in order to kill some brain cells with me.

It's truly appreciated!


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I may not have any readers--but I have my very own queen. SO THERE!

I love other bloggers. I love The Bloggess, Jenny (she's my very favorite because she tickles my nether parts). And then there's Aunt Becky @ Mommy Wants Vodka. Funny bitches y'all. There are others, lots of others and I love that they make me smile and laugh (and piss myself); but mostly I love how they inspire others to react & respond.

Sometimes...ok...a lot (I know, I'm pathetic, but you can kiss my ass anyway)of times, I wonder if there is a flea's chance on my pit bull's butt that I'm EVER going to have a fraction of the readers they have.

Probably not...*sigh*.

I guess, that until then, I'm going to have to "make my happy". And you know how we do that around here y'all??? We dragulate. What the hay-ell is dragulate you ask??? It's when you let RuPaul and his gift for the fabulous, transform you (or some unsuspecting soul of whom you just happen to have a facial photo) into a FABULOUS DRAG QUEEN!!!! What the deuce?!!! Hell yeah!

So here's my shot--funny shit y'all.

Meet Pixie Truman. I love her (except that it sort of annoys me a little bit that I know a man took the model shot for the body and it's sort of AWESOME! And why do I bother even working out at all, if my "goal body" is a man? I'm pretty sure that's gonna require surgery & drugs y'all. But I digress.)

This was sooo much fun. Even more fun??? The first damn thought that popped into my head--Ooooohhhh...Jason would make a CUTE queen!

How many crazy cows do you know that would, first of all, have the thought to turn their s.o. into a drag queen; and second, to actually spend 30 minutes on the computer while he was out driving from store to store trying to find the new Tinkerbell DVD, because it was sold out EVERYWHERE, just because he adores your child (one that he did not "donate" to) and wants her to be happy????

Well, now you know at least one, for sure. I'm going to hell y'all. First class.

This is Dainty Moline. Ain't she pretty?!

You know what makes me wonder about myself most? That I'm less disturbed by the image of Jason in drag than my own, and all because I envy my drag queen's body.

*Sigh* I need therapy.

Until next time...


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Break-up note to the Starbucks barista..

One of the things that Jason brought into my life is a budget. Yes, I used to manage my money just fine, but he took it to an entirely new level: my weekly budget for EVERYTHING is planned out in this really effin' cool Excel spreadsheet that includes a checkbook register and all y'all. Like for the rest of the damned year. Not even kidding.
Included in that budget is a $25 weekly "Personal" budget. *Sigh*. That was my Starbucks money y'all. *SIGH*. But I've given up Starbucks my precious angels. Aaargh!

What the deuce?!

Giving up Starbucks for me is like a bad break-up with a good man who just isn't "good for me." There were some really nice things about the relationship-but also some bad ones. You tasted soooo good Venti White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha with all of your whipped cream & sprinkly (now a word) goodness; but, what you did to my ass & my thighs...not cool. Not cool at all.

Like a sick & twisted domestic situation for me. I don't love you even though you're bad for me; I love you because you're bad for me.

I'm proud of myself for breaking it off; but I miss you. I miss your smell & your taste. I miss the way you lingered on my mouth for 30 minutes after you were gone. (Dear Lord, please forgive my pornagraphic attraction to coffee.)
But it's over now. It has to be. For the sake of all that's healthy. It's not you, it's me.

But alas, I am a wh0re for all things of the c. bean--so of course I'm in a rebound relationship until I can find something better. This little fling with my coffee pot and my store bought creamers is meeting a need, if you will, but it's not a forever kind of relationship. I'm still looking for that one perfect cup of low-fat, caffeine infused perfection. Some day I'll find it. I'm determined.

In the meantime--Starbucks--take care. And go ruin someone else's BMI. Love, Brandi

p.s. readers, do not suggest some healthy alternative to me. I swear I'll throw a heavy ass ceramic coffee mug right at your head. Not even kidding.

*Sidebar* In the midst of writing this, I promised my daughter we'd go to church tonight. My dear lord...I'm a hot mess. LOL!