Friday, October 22, 2010

...All By Myself (Day 5)

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e.e. cummings.

I accomplished some very productive things today; including killing two snakes and digging up some old dead cat that was probably the beloved house pet of the previous owner of my home...but that's not what I thought about all day.

My brain was stuck on repeat; asking the following question:

"Are you finally what you wanted to be when you grew up, Brandi?"

In spite of some of the darker parts of my childhood, there were some very bright moments. I had dreams and goals and heroes like many other young girls before me. I thought about being a teacher, a dancer, a writer, a wife, a doctor, a singer...a Broadway star (that was huge for me for many years). However, the one thing I knew I wanted to be was a mom. And not just any mom...but this mom:

and this one:

and this one:

and this one:

I had a very precious heart to heart talk with my baby girl tonight about some possible changes that may be coming to our family. Nothing more than the addition of a last name for her mommy, but it scares her and I understand. As we talked about what would stay the same: that her daddy would always be her daddy, that Saint Jason would always be someone who loves her and wants to help her be a happy & safe little girl and that I will do everything I can to protect she and her "bubbas" forever and ever as long as I am able...I realized that I am exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I am that mom. I am the imperfect fuck-up who has blown the statistics right out of the water. I've failed at marriages 1 and 2 and am so thankful I did. I wouldn't have Saint Jason. I wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't be healthy. I wouldn't be me.

My kids see that mom...their mom and while I may not be perfect, they will always know that I am exactly what I always wanted to be--theirs. I love every whiny, snotty, permanent marker on brand new clothes moment. I relish the "dammits" in public and the "that's not fair, mom" and the hours of Xbox; because that is the tangible, palatable, audible beauty of courage for me.

I am growing up to be who I really am and it's about fucking time.


Anonymous said...

I absolutely LOVE that you put pictures with you in them up again! B- I wish you could see what I see. What all of your loved ones see. How absolutely, blindingly beautiful you are! There is a light in you that shines out when you smile and instead of diminishing anything around you, it makes EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around you light up too. L.O.V.E. you!!!

Atypical Scott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Atypical Scott said...

I think the lead singer of the Icelandic band, Sigur Ros said it best, when he sang-
Viðrar Vel Til Loftárása
Ég Læt Mig Líða Áfram
Í Gegnum Hausinn
Hugsa Hálfa Leið
Sé Sjálfan Mig Syngja Fagnaðarerindið
Sem Við Sömdum Saman
Við Áttum Okkur Draum
Áttum Allt
Við Riðum Heimsendi
Við Riðum Leitandi
Klifruðum Skýjakljúfa
Sem Síðar Sprungu Upp
Friðurinn Úti
Ég Lek Jafnvægi
Dett Niður
Ég Læt Mig Líða Áfram
Í Gegnum Hausinn
Ég Kem Alltaf Niður Á Sama Stað
Alger Þögn
Ekkert Svar
En Það Besta Sem Guð Hefur Skapað
Er Nýr Dagur

The music is really quite moving.

DLK said...

Beautiful post from a beautiful mom!!!!

Brandi C. said...

Jen & DLK--thank you. A lot.

Scott--now you know that my ridiculously dumb ass went and tried to put that shit in a language translator, because I thought, "he's brilliant, of course he put some icelandic lyrics as his comment and there's got to be some hidden message in there." Dude...that was until I saw the fraction and the copyright symbol.
You're comments should come with pantyliner warnings. LOL! And thank you for helping me find my glaring perspective. ;-)
Can't take yourself too seriously out here in the blogosphere or you will bust your ass in the real world.

Cottongirl7 said...

Love the pictures! You look so happy in each one. Wtf with the snakes though? I hate snakes! Every mistake, challenge, or success has brought us to where we are, no regrets! I wouldn't want to be anyone else either! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.(Without any more snakes....yuck!)

Jason H. said...

Damn straight, babe. The only things that truly define someone are their actions and through the years I've known you and been with you, you've been the most loving mom the kids could hope for. Thanks for letting me take those pics, I know how much you hate to be photographed, but you really are beautiful and so are our kids.