Saturday, September 18, 2010

Over this $h!t already!!!!

It has been a real beotch of a week y'all. Not even going pull punches there. Some momma & baby drama (my own), strep throat (again, mine) and out of nowhere today...just when I'm starting to feel a little calm again, my freakin' father calls.


Very brief back dad is a retired military man. But that's not his issue. The issue is not that he cheated on my mom, or my step-mom, or was the most perfectionistic, impossible to please, verbally abusive hard-a$$ on the entire damn planet. It was mostly that he's a master manipulator. He'll help you, just to own you later. But when you really need him...for something emotionally, spiritually or mentally difficult in life--he's a ghost.

I spent 33 years trying to win my "daddy's" love and approval. Then finally one day, I'd had enough. I cut him out and told him not to bother knocking on my door, or calling again. I was sick of living through the stereotypical cycle of falling for men like him because I wanted to be accepted and approved of by him. Ugh...just makes me sooo mad y'all! Seriously PISSED!

So warp to present day. Here I am, on my couch, watching my youngest dorks happily play Lego StarWars on the xBox, and having just got off the phone with my oldest whom is dealing with some heavy stuff of his own (AGAIN, my fault)...the bastard calls me.

No, I didn't pick up the phone. But yes, I did listen to the voicemail.

"I don't know if you want to talk." (Dad)
"But I hope you do." (Dad)
Here's to hoping. Enjoy your Jack and Coke.
"I'm always thinking about you & love you." (Dad)
I'm sure you do. In the only way you know how. Unfortunately, that's just something I don't want to be part of anymore.

What I am thankful that there are several of us, doing our very best to make sure this cycle does NOT repeat itself for my own daughter.

This is Elena with her Dad (Adrian) on her right and Jason on her left. They're playing rock band--to be specific, they are "HER" band. That's how our life is.

Not many people get it--this crazy life we live, and I'll admit, it's hard to explain. Which is why, I no longer feel the need to. I don't care if people get it or like it. I don't give a rat's a$$ if the traditional Christians in my circle of acquaintances approve of my mouth or my choices. I don't even really, ultimately, care if my own family care or approve (case in father).

What I do care about is breaking a cycle that's lasted 3 generations in my family (both sides) of living lies, being abusing to ourselves and others around us, and casting judgement on each other and those outside our homes.

I want to say, for the record, that I don't judge my father; he's entitled to live his life as he sees fit and as it makes him happy. But his happy is my unhealthy. And my unhealthy trickles down. Can't let that happen y'all. Not anymore.

So pretty much...I'm over this $h!t and I'm breakin' out a big shovel to start cleaning the paths in front of me. I sure hope none of y'all are on it. ;-)

Love ya,


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